I was born into a church going family. The eldest of three siblings, born to a Singaporean mother and a New Zealand father.

Growing up I wasn’t close with either of my parents, but I had a close and loving relationship with my two younger siblings.

We were always playing together, playing games, riding bikes, singing songs, making up skits and performances together. I had the best companions anyone could want in them.

Growing up wasn’t always easy, my parents would argue and fight a lot, and it always seemed like I had the self-appointed role to keep the peace and keep things from escalating too much. My first priority and focus was my two younger siblings. If I could protect them from as much pain and damage as possible, I would.

So I became extremely extroverted, always creating the performances to keep everyone happy, keep everyone occupied. It wasn’t till much later in life that I realised I had self-imposed these requirements on myself, creating unnecessary burdens, which would ultimately land me in extreme burnout and disillusionment.

I wanted to protect my siblings at all costs, even if it cost me. I wasn’t a perfect sibling, for sure, but in my heart my best intentions were to keep them safe, nurtured and well looked after.

 

I left school at 18 to go to the University of Otago. It wasn’t always easy leaving home to go to uni each semester. I hated leaving my siblings and our friends group behind. We were very close with our second cousins, who were like brothers to us, as well as our extended youth group family. They were the best of times.

Going to university was definitely a transition, for sure. I was so grateful and fortunate to find a loving church family there. They really were an anchor for me in those times, and I enjoyed getting to know the people there. It wasn’t always easy and didn’t always fit, but I was still so grateful for that space and that community to gather and share and encourage one another. It was a beautiful place.

 

Moving forward a few years, I found myself studying Dental Surgery at the Otago School of Dentistry. It was exciting, hopeful and tiring. I loved my friends group there. They were the best of friends. We were always eating food together, lunch on weekdays between lectures and clinics, dinners at the nearest restaurants closest to dental school. We loved it.

Dental school wasn’t always fast paced. There was a lot of chill time and down time between lectures and tutorials and clinics to rest and relax. Most of those times I spent at home, or with close friends at their homes. We loved spending time together and just relaxing or debriefing about the latest clinic events, or simply eating and cooking together. It was so special.

Then in my final year at dental school, my health seemed to take a negative turn. I became extremely fatigued, and found myself struggling physically and becoming very demotivated with life in general. Life seemed to have a sombre tone, and I found myself increasingly depressed and disillusioned with life itself.

Life seemed to get darker.

 

I hopped on a plane after graduation to get a job in Singapore. It was what I wanted, or so I thought, and I had quite a few classmates wanting to do the same thing. I got a job offer at a clinic in Singapore, and it was everything I was told I should have wanted.

But returning home to New Zealand after that short trip, and I found myself unable to accept the offer. It wasn’t that it wasn’t a good offer, I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep going for much longer, and to accept something so formal and long-term wouldn’t go well for me.

So I declined and stayed home in Auckland, more specifically, in my bedroom. I slept and slept and slept. For that first year, it felt like I was catching up on years of sleep and rest. I didn’t do much else apart from that. There were a few dramas here and there, like people wondering why I wasn’t working or doing what I was told I should be doing, but on the whole, it was a time for rest.

I remember one particular evening, wanting to unplug from all the noise and voices, and get back to basics. I switched my phone off, and never turned it on again.

 

The following years were eventful, but not what anyone would have seen with their own eyes. It was an intense period of growth and healing, and personal revelation about so many things. I hadn’t been able to process many things from my childhood, but this time and space allowed me to do that.

It was also a time of intense learning – about health, natural remedies, cures, personal development and faith. It was an extraordinary time, although nobody would have seen it from the outside.

After some time, I began working again, this time in a totally different field to what I was trained in – admin, and found that I loved it. I loved the routine and getting to work on documents in an office setting. I found myself drawn to organization and developing those skills in an office and a home life setting.

After a few years of this, I came back full circle to my earlier passions as a child: art, creativity, drawing, writing, dreaming, sewing, designing… Passions that I had long given up on. I even expanded into new areas I had never explored before, such as fixing up furniture, home decor, using power tools, gardening… it was so much fun.

 

Maybe you can relate to some of this. I never dreamed as a young child that I would actually get to live out my passions and hopes that I had within me. I thought, or started to presume as a young adult, that these ‘hopes and dreams’ would never come true, and that I needed to settle for another life, where none of those hopes and dreams were a reality.

But here we are. And its more amazing and wonderful, beyond what I could have dreamed could have happened. The journey was hard. It was tiring. But compared to what was on the other side, it was a light and momentary struggle. And believe me, it was worth it.